Music: Vince Guaraldi Trio "Linus and Lucy" A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
My neighbors to the sky (i.e., my upstairs neighbors) have apparently decided that 5 o’clock on a Saturday is the time to jazzercise. That or they somehow fit a bowling alley in their living room. Either way, I’m beginning to wish I was more domestic so I’d own a broom that I could use to hit the ceiling. I contemplated marching upstairs and asking them to quiet down, but I’m not doing anything that necessitates silence. They’d open the door to some geeky-looking twenty-something with her hands on her hips, foaming at the mouth, saying, “Could you please quiet down?? I’m trying to harvest crops on Farmville and your stomping around is ruining my concentration!” I imagine they’d just slowly close the door on the crazy American brat.
Earlier today, a thirty minute trip across town to pick up my roommate and take him to work turned into a ninety minute affair. Traffic was horrendous, and I was not prepared for the dumbassery that comes with out-of-town sports fans trying to leave a game. For some reason, I feel incredibly put out by these people in my city, congesting my streets, being cut off by my assholes. I sat in the same stretch of twenty feet for thirty-five minutes, watching people trying to get by me on the shoulder. “No!” I wanted to scream, “This is MY road! I was here long before you! I have some place very important to be and I am noting this indiscretion to make sure you are not invited back!”
Unfortunately, assholery can be contagious. Upon arriving at my destination, I realized I had left the TV dinner my roommate requested on the couch, ya know, where you keep TV dinners. I told him I’d drive home, get the dinner and bring it back. Whilst driving to and from, I was cutting people off, running yellow lights, flipping off young children and their grandparents. But, somehow, I felt completely justified. “I pay taxes here. I deal with the traffic on a daily basis. You’re here for the weekend to “get away,” then you get to go home!” I don’t know why I think other towns aren’t as frustrating as mine. I actually love the city I live in, so I’m not quite certain what got into me. Just, next time, out-of-town sports fans/parents of college students, when we’re caught in a traffic jam together, try not to look so damned happy. It’d make things a lot easier for us townies.
soo funny. I read it first, then listened to the audio...they matched! haha... totally heard your voice in my head the whole time i was reading! haha....like I've known you forever or something! ;)
ReplyDeleteps...let it be known, the term 'dumbassery' was coined here. that's going somewhere...of that, I'm certain =)
I must say, I could hear you reading this in my head...how delightful is that? :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of out-of-staters driving on my beloved Long Island anymore...at first, I was one of them, but I've become accustomed to the way people drive here...and become one of them.
The driving here is scary. We are nearly in a wreck every time we turn. Picture no street lights (or signs) and no lines separating the traffic lanes. Potholes are filled with dirt so every time it rains they wash out. When you want to go into an intersection it's a constant line of cars honking and trying to push through.
ReplyDeleteYour comment about Farmville made me laugh. I don't think you look geeky though.
You all are too fabulous! I don't think I'd last long driving in Afganistan OR New York.
ReplyDeleteI also find it funny that two out of the three of you heard my voice in your head...if it starts telling you to light things on fire, call me.